


Dave's B-List

by krazieLeylines



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bucket List, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Established Relationship, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, High School, Multi, Polyamory, Post-Canon, Post-Sburb, Post-Sburb/Sgrub
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 23:54:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7129766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krazieLeylines/pseuds/krazieLeylines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the game, the kids go to high school in the new universe, literal gods walking amongst humans, trolls, carapaces, and consorts alike. When not dealing with buttloads of schoolwork, they also take part in the school drama club. Dave wants a memorable senior year experience, rifled with shenanigans and mischief, and has a plan to ensure just that. </p><p>Part of my <a href="http://asktheaterstuck.tumblr.com/">theaterstuck au</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dave's B-List

**Author's Note:**

> The relationships listed are just the main ships. Other ships may be mentioned but will likely not play a big role in this story. I may add ships to the ao3 tags if they become more relevant. A complete list of ships for this au can be found [here](http://asktheaterstuck.tumblr.com/ships). Although that list is also subject to change. 
> 
> You can learn more about this au [here](http://asktheaterstuck.tumblr.com/tagged/asks/chrono) as well, if you're interested!

==>Prologue: begin

You are Dave Strider, eighteen years of age, and today is the first day of your senior year of high school. Standing by your side and behind you are your four (count them: four) matesprits. What can you say? The ladies love you. And also there’s Karkat; he loves you, too, though he’d never admit it in public.

All around you, human, troll, carapace, and consort students alike are filing into the school. Most of them are at least a year younger than you and your friends. That’s because you had all enrolled as sophomores when you guys were sixteen. It was easy to forge documents listing you all as fifteen, but you all knew you looked too mature to pass as freshmen.

Until the bell rings, you’re content to stand outside in the grass with your flushed boos and enjoy the opportunity to relax. Then you cease relaxing, because you have a surprise to show everybody.

==>Dave: show everybody your surprise

Patience, young padawans. You can’t just spring your surprise on them without any strategic buildup. All things come to those that wait, and all that.

With the slyness of a fox, you stretch your arms over your head and give a dramatic yawn to draw everyone’s attention. You didn’t nab a leading role in last year’s musical for nothing. Your expert gambit succeeds.

JADE: dont tell me youre already tired  
DAVE: nah just happy  
DAVE: yknow  
DAVE: its worth remembering that this is our very last year of high school  
DAVE: and you know what that means  
JADE: yes!!  
JADE: we get to enroll for college soon!!!!! :) :) :)  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: i mean yeah there is that too i suppose if youre into higher education but i was talking more about whats going down this year  
KARKAT: ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE STUPID ASS GRADUATION CEREMONY WHERE EVERYONE GETS STRANGELY EXCITED ABOUT THROWING THEIR ASININE GEOMETRIC SHAPED HATS INTO THE AIR LIKE THE WHIMSICAL WASTES OF SHIT THEY ALL ARE?  
DAVE: no oh my god  
DAVE: i am dating a bunch of nerds  
DAVE: ok look  
DAVE: i am talking about the fact that weve only been at this school for two years and this will be our third and final year  
DAVE: and the last two years have been for the most part pretty fucking tame  
DAVE: and by tame i mean lame  
DAVE: which means we have a lot of critical high school moments and hilarious shenanigans we need to catch up on  
JADE: dave what are you even talking about  
DAVE: im talking about the famous senior prank jade  
DAVE: and spiking the punch bowl at prom and throwing a house party when johns dad is out of town in which we invite all the cool kids to destroy all our precious family heirlooms  
TEREZI: TH4T SOUNDS S1NFULLY FUN H3H3H3 L3TS DO 1T  
DAVE: hell yes tz is on board  
NEPETA: :33 < but dave we dont have any precious family heirlooms  
DAVE: well alchemize some ok  
KARKAT: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WANT TO TURN OUR LIFE INTO ONE OF YOUR HILARIOUSLY FUCKING TERRIBLE 80S MOVIES, RIDDLED WITH CLICHES THAT BELONG TO A DIFFERENT TIME FROM A CLUSTERFUCK OF A CULTURE THAT NO LONGER EXISTS.  
DAVE: yeah thats basically the plan  
DAVE: look this isnt some last minute idea i came up with on the fly  
DAVE: it is a human tradition to go batshit crazy during your final year of high school   
DAVE: enjoying what is left of the uncontrollable chaotic whirlwind that is your childhood before you graduate and officially become an adult  
DAVE: they even have a scientific name for it  
DAVE: its called senioritis  
JADE: ok first of all thats not even a scientific term!!  
JADE: and secondly senioritis is used to describe the emotional and mental fatigue seniors experience after three years of consistent schoolwork tests and quizzes  
DAVE: ok well close enough  
  
==>Dave: employ plan b

This is not going over as well as you had planned, but that’s okay. You uncaptchalogue a ringed notebook from your sylladex to show them how serious you are.

DAVE: behold  
DAVE: guess whats inside  
NEPETA: :33 < ooh is that a sketchbook  
NEPETA: :33 < do you have some of your comics inside  
DAVE: no but good guess  
DAVE: who else wants to guess  
KARKAT: I DON’T SUPPOSE YOU COULD JUST TELL US?  
DAVE: cmon stop being a wet blanket  
NEPETA: :33 < oh hey guys   
NEPETA: :33 < sorry i dont mean to interrupt you dave but   
NEPETA: :33 < well its just that lately i cant help but wonder about the fact that were still have our sylladexes and strife specibi and stuff  
NEPETA: :33 < i may be ofurthinking this but since intangible impossibly large inventories are generally a game mechanic does that mean were still in a computer simulation of some sort?  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: we did not survive an apocalypse that wiped out multiple planets in multiple universes become gods by playing the most sadistic virtual reality game and create a whole new goddamn fucking universe just to be spat out into another game  
DAVE: besides  
DAVE: we had our sylladexes before the game even started remember  
TEREZI: 4CTU4LLY N3P3T4 H4S 4 PO1NT 1V3 POND3R3D OV3R TH4T TOO 4ND 1 TH1NK 1TS 4CTU4LLY 4 V3RY PROB4BL3 TH3ORY  
TEREZI: 4ND R3M3MB3R 4LL OF US W3R3 3NG1N33R3D BY TH3 G4M3 1TS3LF 4ND TH3 UN1V3RS3S W3 L1V3D 1N W3R3 PRODUCTS OF SGRUB 4S W3LL SO HON3STLY W3 PROB4BLY 4R3 ST1LL 1N 4 S1MUL4T1ON  
KARKAT: WELL THAT’S REAL FUCKING DISHEARTENING, BUT IT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME IN THE LEAST.  
DAVE: oh my god guys  
DAVE: im trying to make memories here not have an existential crisis  
DAVE: alright no more guessing  
DAVE: someone please just ask me whats in my notebook  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT IS IN YOUR NOTEBOOK? OH WAIT, LET ME GUESS: A CLASSIC RENDITION OF WHO THE FUCK CARES?  
DAVE: karkat ouch  
DAVE: that wounded me deeply  
JADE: what is in your notebook dave??  
DAVE: someone give me a drumroll please  
DAVE: its.......  
DAVE: my..................  
DAVE: .................................  
DAVE: high school senior year bucket list  
  
==>Dave: realize your mistake too late

Oh, fuck. You realize your mistake, but it is too late to take your words back. 

A hush falls over many of the students surrounding you and your friends, mostly from the trolls. Nepeta is a hilariously dark shade of olive all the way up to the tips of her ears, Karkat has hiked up his collar and retreated into sweatertown, and Terezi bursts into a fit of laughter so loud and obnoxious that you’re starting to consider joining Karkat in sweatertown.

You are so paralyzed with mortification that you neglect to realize that Terezi has snatched the notebook from your hands and is flipping through the pages with an almost violent curiosity. That is, until she starts reading your notes out loud.

TEREZI: ST4RT 4 FOOD F1GHT  
TEREZI: SK1P SCHOOL TO GO ON 4 RO4D TR1P  
TEREZI: ST4RT 4N UGLY F4SH1ON TR3ND  
TEREZI: DO 4 C4R W4SH FUNDR41S3R  
TEREZI: W41T  
TEREZI: D4V3 NON3 OF TH3S3 TH1NGS 4R3 TH3 L34ST B1T S3XY  
DAVE: no of course theyre not jesus  
DAVE: forget i said that ok that meant a very different thing back on old earth  
KARKAT: SO IT’S LIKE, WHAT? A LIST OF BORING ASS CHORES?  
DAVE: does skipping school to go on a road trip sound like a boring chore to you karkat no it is a vital teenage experience that we are not allowed to miss out on  
DAVE: usually lists like this are things you want to do before you die but we all know thats probably never gonna happen  
DAVE: at least for another like bazillion years when we all go insane and senile even though well all still look like were in our early twenty somethings  
DAVE: but thats neither here nor there  
DAVE: this buck uh  
DAVE: lets call it a b list  
DAVE: like those b list movies that karkat adores so much  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU.  
DAVE: this b list is full of every cherished earth school tradition i was cruelly deprived of and must accomplish before graduating at the end of the year in order to feel like my childhood was made up of something besides a sequence of increasingly traumatic events  
DAVE: so whos with me  
NEPETA: :(( < awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww dave :((  
KARKAT: OKAY, OKAY, I’M IN.  
TEREZI: M3 TOO  
JADE: i will try to help too but  
JADE: dave you do realize we will also have schoolwork to do  
JADE: not to mention the school drama club if were still doing that  
JADE: lets just keep our priorities straight  
DAVE: oh my god jade are you serious  
JADE: what  
  
==>Dave: show off to prove a point

You move your palms to either side of your body, and fan out your fingers on each hand. The world around you, all the birds and the students and the warm summer breeze, slow down, and then cease moving at all.

Karkat, Terezi, and Nepeta glance around, none of them looking too surprised. They’re more than used to your time shenanigans. Jade looks straight at you and sighs.

DAVE: jade have you forgotten that i am the literal god of time in this world  
DAVE: we dont have to worry about deadlines or anything like that since i can always give us more time to catch up on homework or sleep or really whatever we want  
DAVE: the only thing i cant slow down is us aging so that should be our number one priority  
DAVE: enjoying our youth and innocence while it lasts  
KARKAT: DAVE, WE ARE ALL IN A SCANDALOUS FIVEWAY FLUSHED-PITCH JUMBLE OF A RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER, DEFYING BOTH MONOGAMOUS HUMAN CULTURE CUSTOMS AND POPULAR TROLL SERENDIPITY PHILOSOPHY. IT IS NOT EVEN A TRADITIONALLY CONTROVERSIAL BUT MODERNLY ACCEPTED ROTATING FOUR-WAY CONCUPISCENT VACILLATION.  
KARKAT: WE COULD NOT BE LESS INNOCENT, YOU NIMSHIT.  
DAVE: dude youre ruining my emotionally captivating speech  
KARKAT: SHIT, MY DEEPEST APOLOGIES, OH POETIC MINSTREL OF LINGUISTIC ACROBATICS, YOU.  
DAVE: your apology is accepted on account of the fact that i know youre secretly swooning over my charismatic charm and my mastery of the english language  
KARKAT: YOU GOT ME. I’M ACTUALLY STRUGGLING TO KEEP MYSELF FROM FALLING TO GLODEFONDLING PIECES OVER YOUR CAPTIVATING APPEAL.  
DAVE: i know you are boo and i love you for it  
JADE: ok all of this is reaaaaaally cute and you guys know i hate to be a party pooper  
JADE: but dave  
JADE: dont you think giving us a bunch of extra time to do school assignments is maaaaaaaybe a misuse of your powers??  
TEREZI: OH H3R3 W3 GO  
JADE: what  
TEREZI: 1TS J4D3 TH3 MOR4L1TY P4TROL H3R3 TO RU1N 3V3RYON3S H4RML3SS FUN  
DAVE: aw cmon tz dont pick on jade in front of me you know i get all squeamish about pitch romance stuff  
TEREZI: UGH SORRY  
TEREZI: >:[  
DAVE: its alright  
DAVE: but anyway putting that aside  
DAVE: jade im sorry but terezi kind of has a point  
JADE: what????  
DAVE: not about you being boring or anything because youre totes silly and fun to be around  
DAVE: but i mean its not like i will be given any other opportunity to use my powers were not superheroes  
DAVE: though that would be fucking sick  
DAVE: although then again people might link our powers to the powers of the gods and that would just lead to a huge shit show im sure we all want to avoid  
DAVE: wait where was i  
TEREZI: TH3R3S NO R34SON FOR YOU GODT13RS TO 4LW4YS JUST1FY 1F 4ND WH3N YOU US3 YOUR POW3RS  
TEREZI: YOU TWO 4R3 L1T3R4L GODS YOU C4N DO WH4T3V3R TH3 FUCK YOU W4NT 4ND 3V3RYON3 3LS3 1S JUST GO1NG TO H4V3 TO FUCK1NG D34L W1TH 1T  
JADE: ok i dont think we should be allowed to do WHATEVER we want buuuuuut  
JADE: i guess you make a good point  
NEPETA: :33 < besides school is pretty hard fur us sometimes since we missed so many years and most of what they are teaching us is an entirely diffurent curriculum!!   
NEPETA: :33 < dave actually pawsed time a lot fur me the last couple of years since its so difficult sometimes  
KARKAT: YEAH, SAME HERE.  
TEREZI: 1 DONT N33D 3XTR4 T1M3 FOR HOM3WORK BUT 1 SUR3 4S H3LL N33D 4 F3W 3XTR4 HOURS FOR N4PS ONC3 1N 4 WH1L3  
JADE: wait really  
JADE: dave how often do you pause time for people?????  
DAVE: uh well not like every day  
NEPETA: :33 < jade you have to understand  
NEPETA: :33 < you are furry furry brilliant and im sure your iq is probably off the charts  
TEREZI: BUT YOU L4CK 4 LOT OF COMMON S3NS3  
NEPETA: :// < well i wouldnt say it in those terms exactly  
NEPETA: :33 < but sometimes your optimism blinds you to things  
NEPETA: :33 < like the fact that not all of us are as smart as you are!!  
TEREZI: H3Y SP34K FOR YOURS3LF 1M PL3NTY SM4RT  
DAVE: ok true true not everyone is as smart as jade or tz  
JADE: ohh  
JADE: :( :(  
JADE: im sorry guys i didnt mean to make anyone feel stupid!!!!  
JADE: im always happy to help tutor anyone who needs help yknow i like to think that im a pretty decent teacher  
KARKAT: OH, NO DOUBT. YOU’RE JUST LIKE… DISMAYINGLY GIFTED IN A WHOLE TAINTCHAFFINGLY WIDE RANGE OF WAYS.  
NEPETA: :33 < it can be a tad intimidating at times  
DAVE: but like intimidating in a hot way  
DAVE: or maybe thats just me  
TEREZI: TH4TS JUST YOU  
DAVE: ok right  
JADE: jeeeeeez ok now i feel really really bad!! :( :( :(  
NEPETA: :33 < its really ok though!! its just one of those cute little quirks about you that makes us love you so much!!!!  
TEREZI: OR H4T3 YOU SO MUCH  
TEREZI: >:]  
DAVE: terezi  
TEREZI: WHOOPS SORRY  
TEREZI: 4G41N  
TEREZI: >:/  
  
==>Dave: get this prologue back on track

This story really went off the rails for a moment there. Well, at least you can check getting caught up in bullshit romantic drama off your b-list.

You unfreeze time, and cough loudly to gather everyone’s attention again.

DAVE: ok quickly before classes start  
DAVE: give me a number between one and a hundred and one so we can start planning our first super epic task from the b list  
NEPETA: :33 < hmmmmm  
NEPETA: :33 < thirty thr33!!! :33  
DAVE: one sec ok item number thirty three is..........  
DAVE: start a band out of our garage  
DAVE: yes perfect choice nepeta  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SERIOUS?  
DAVE: karkat babe i would never lie about garage based bands  
KARKAT: DAVE, WE DONT EVEN HAVE A GARAGE!  
DAVE: well add one to the house obviously  
DAVE: i mean like what decent hearted civilian living in suburbia doesnt have a garage attached to their house  
NEPETA: :33 < um wont people notice if our house suddenly got bigger  
NEPETA: :33 < its already plenty big as it is with all us trolls and humans and calliope and johns dad under one roof!!!  
DAVE: please like i said its the suburbs  
DAVE: no one pays jack squad attention to their neighbors  
DAVE: as long as youre middle class or higher people dont give a rats ass about what you do in your free time  
JADE: im not sure if thats entirely accurate but im sure we can find a way to make it work!!  
JADE: starting a band actually sounds like oodles of fun!!!!  
DAVE: jade the fact that you unironically use words like oodles is the exact reason im in love with you  
KARKAT: SAME, HONESTLY.  
NEPETA: :33 < ooooh im so excited!!!!! do i get to sing??  
DAVE: obviously   
DAVE: we can all sing if you guys want  
  
==>School bell: ring and give us a convenient ending point

The school bell rings quite conveniently, and you captchalogue your b-list notebook. You want your other ideas to be a surprise to them. That way, you can all pick each new task randomly, and it will keep everyone on their toes.

You receive a swift kiss on the lips from all four of your flushed lovers, before you all scramble towards the big open doors. Although you are a tad jittery about the senior workload, one particular thought comforts you.

This school year is going to be fucking fly as hell.


End file.
